12:12 PM|by the way. once again. jehovah's witnesses woke me up this morning.

usually i am nice about it. smile. say i already have a religion. and then they start to try and talk. i say i am roman catholic and that's my choice, flash my celtic cross around my neck like it'll burn them or make them back away in fear... and i close the door in their face.

i was up til 3am last night illustrating. they rang the doorbell. i had to scrounge around for something presentable to be seen in my doorway with... i stub my toe on my wrought iron bed. i trip over my space heater. and i open the door. this woman can barely speak english. there's a gaggle of them milling about out there making their runs... and i was cross.

all i did was point to the gate and say "Go. Get"

i am going to hell.

11:52 AM|


Take the What Fruit Are You? test

okay all you lemons... you wanna pieceuh me?!???!? BRING IT ON!!! yeah i didn't THINK so!! aiiight!

11:23 AM|i feel loved! awwww...first allan sends me a great gift off the wish list last week (am reading it and will hopefully get a job soon!) and then this morning mike sends me the Giving Tree!!!! how cool are BOTH of you?!?!?!?!? thank you!! a hearty thank you!!!!!!!!!! and yeah i know they were xmas presents, but Christmas is the longest holiday and i started opening them early!)

7:04 PM|ok.... well... um... what wise ass remark can i choose for this...

A teenager whose dream girl won't sleep with him until his website has attracted 111,111,111 hits has issued an appeal for help.

just click on this horny german boy's semi stalking website - please. just let him get "a little"

i don't know whether to feel bad for this chick that he's posting her photo everywhere - or whether to be jealous that SHE has a decent stalker that has gumption!

[got this link off a bridge to nowhere]

6:41 PM|woo!! i am "Peppermint"

Mmm ... peppermint! Crisp and refreshing, you're the flavor of candy canes and after-dinner mints — everyone's favorite comfort candies. If you were a season, you'd be winter — bracing and energizing, but cozy, too. Your honesty and forthright personality make people feel like they've known you forever — they can't help but be drawn to your sweet, fresh nature. Perhaps a little old-fashioned, and occasionally shy, you're generally happy and well-liked. Traditional and invigorating, you're a truly tasty treat.

took the emode.com flavor test

(got the link for THAT test from brain squeezings who happens to be dark chocolate)

4:05 PM|:: drumroll ::
it's time for.... the Friday Five!!!

1. If you were to go to a movie this weekend, which one would you pick?
i want to see Novocaine with Steve Martin. not going to this weekend, but i wanna see it.

2. What movie would you like to rent this weekend?
i might order up some Cats & Dogs on the ol' Pay-Per-View

3. What one TV show do you always try to watch?
ah... which one DON'T i try to watch?! i really dig Third Watch/NYPD Blue and now Philly... oh AND the West Wing...definitely West Wing...

4. If you (and your S.O.) were cool with it, what five celebrities (at the most) would it be 'ok' for you to have a fling with?
ah... 5 of them, huh? John Cusack, Eric Stoltz (that red-headed leprechaun fetish that i have), um... 5? ok 3 more... i said John Cusack already... okay... Ed Burns, Conan O'Brien (again...a pasty irish redhead...**grrrrowl!**)... one more? hmmm... i know some of you might not understand this and a few might get disgusted by this, but Philip Seymour Hoffmann (what color hair? yes.).

5. How do you plan to spend your weekend?
tonight, working on poster gig i have lined up. deadline is beginning o'next week.
saturday: cookies at TWO o'clock pm... grass skirt boy in the evening and off to a comedy club
sunday: probably working on aforementioned poster

2:57 PM| ok. i feel jilted and scorned. toetag removed me from his stalker list. what's that say about me? i was too easy to stalk? not much of a challenge?

WHYYYYYYYYY??!?!??!?!?

they really ought to write "The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of the Perfect Stalker"

Here are a few excerpts:

Rule 1) Be a Victim Unlike Any Other

Rule 2) Show up to Parties, Dances and Social Events, Even If You Do Not Feel Like Someone's Watching You

Rule 3) It's a Fantasy Relationship Until You Ask Your Stalker Out

Rule 5) If It's a Long-Distance Stalker, He Must Email You, IM You or Call And Hang Up At Least 3 Times Before You Become Frightened

Rule 8) Close The Deal – Rules Victims Do Not Allow Themselves To Be Stalked For More Than 6 Months Without A Restraining Order

Rule 9) Victim Beware – Observe His Patterns So You Don't Wind Up With A Complacent/Lazy Stalker: Remember You Are A Victim Unlike Any Other And Deserve The Right Stalker

Rule 10) Keep Doing The RULES Even When No One Is Outside Your Window

12:06 PM|okay.... in checking my statistics, i have noticed that 7 (SEVEN) different folks have done a search for "increase ejaculation" and have been directed to my page. wonderful.

once again, just for the record, let me state that i am Anti-crazy-unruly-lawn-sprinkler-type Ejaculation.
that is my platform.

(i can't believe how many times this week i have said and written the word "ejaculation" ... my AUNT reads this blog sometimes.... ack!

11:41 AM|awwww... i have inspired someone to start a blog (and stalk me at the same time!! - woo!! killing 2 birds with ONE stone there!!!)

let's give a warm hearty welcome to toetag!!!

(this is to welcome toetag... AND also to make everyone aware of toetag in case i turn up missing :)

9:30 AM|

so last night was fun...

see, a month or so ago, i had received an email from a girl i went to high school with. back in high school we never really chatted all that much... i was not exactly the most popular, yet i wasn't unpopular either... i didn't quite have a specific "clique" that i fit into and was pretty much a floater.

played field hockey- so got along with the field hockey girls. was an artist - so got along with the "art fags" as we were lovingly called (i think if i had to label myself and squeeze into a clique, that was the main one where i "belonged") was in honors classes, so got along with the smartypants.

so i got along with many, but still felt like i didn't fit in and such... no no really deep lifelong lasting friendships were formed in high school - yes in grammar school i made friends (Kate, yes, i am including you in the grammar school thang... of course in high school we didn't hang out all that often i know and i am an ass... we'll get into that later :)

anyway... where was i??? right! lynda emailed me via that classmates.com and we started yapping... so finally alittle while later out schedules were cool (ok. YES. i have a "schedule" - SHUT UP. just because i am unemployed doesn't mean i don't have a schedule.... well... sort of. hell, everyday is a saturday to me. the only way i know the date is when i yap on this thing and the post shows what day of the week and date it is... but i digress)

so met up with her in the city... went and visited the rockefeller center tree... it's red white and blue this year... and then had mexican food at Tacocina on 9th (i like that place) and a few margaritas... her last train was missed so i was able to show off my new coffee table and play hostess at my apartment... and did the obligatory opening up the ol' yearbook... (someday i will snap a pic of my h/s/ photo... someday)

all in all i had a great time... was great to catch up on things and i am glad that i have shed most of my shyness shell... and glad i stopped thinking of those stupid john hughes-esque cliques.

1:17 PM|hey all!!! my friend Tom is gonna be Meathead in 2 episodes of All in the Family LIVE at the New York Comedy Club on January 13th, 20th and 27th at 8pm... only $8 witha 2 drink minimum!!! i will remind y'all again....

GO TO IT!!!! IT'S GONNA BE GREAT!!!

i will ALSO remind you of MY show at Stand Up NY on January 23rd at 6:30pm

12:23 PM|for some reason my shoulders and neck have been killing me today and part of last night. and i can't crack my neck. ugh. i love cracking my neck. great feeling of release.

dang. i miss being able to say, "i am going to get a massage during lunch"

i have better things to spend $90 on. (although right now my shoulders just pinched a little bit and said "Oh really?! more important than us!?")

:: gotta rummage around for some Icy Hot ::

11:24 AM|whee HA!

that is all. thank you.

11:24 PM|okay. that previous post with that heavy *sigh* (i am not sure if you realized it was heavy. but at the time it was) anyway. that sigh is over with.

let me be the first to say that i am a jackass who really should learn to read and not skim over emails. that's right. i am a skimmer. and so the *sigh* before was because i wanted to go out on saturday with grass skirt boy when he asked me and i had to say i was busy.

WHY?

because i could have sworn that this "cookie bakin' party" at my friend dawn's house was at 7pm this saturday... (hell, it's a gaggle of broads baking cookies and slugging down wine. thought it was at night... you WOULD think)

NO! i tracked down the email that was sent a few weeks ago, lo and behold it said the party is at 2pm... i was off by 5 hours. totally throwing away a perfectly good evening to spend time with the GSB. (and if by chance GSB you ARE reading this.... email me. and pay no attention to the photo of the girl behind the facial mask)

9:25 PM|*sigh*

6:38 PM|

If I were a work of art, I would be Sandro Botticelli's Birth of Venus.

I am a beautiful and alluring composition, not afraid to show off a good deal of bare flesh. People surround me and gaze at me with the adulation due a goddess and friendly breezes gently push me along my path in life.

Which work of art would you be? The Art Test


(plus i grew up on the jersey shore, so i am used to being near the ocean and mollusks)


Which Evil Criminal are You?
Hailing from sunny Transylvania, your first blood-related incident was when you stabbed a servant girl in the face with a pair of scissors for underperforming. Some of the red spray landed on your hands, and as you washed it off, you noticed that it left your skin fresh and young looking. From then on you were convinced that the blood of young girls was the secret to eternal youth.

Rather than killing girls outright by stabbing them or slitting their throats, you enjoy torturing them for weeks on end by pricking them with needles or prodding with sharp spikes - all to bathe in their blood. You've killed over six hundred women, all without raising a peep from the authorities.

lovely. and here i was using a pitiful Kiehl's face mask.

4:38 PM|am i hungry? or do i just feel this way because i am watching Oprah and the topic is 5 years old girls with anorexia?

a quote from a 6 year old on the show (while holding up leather pants):
"I only wear these pants because they make me look skinny"

okay. THAT'S IT! fricking kids these days are too namby-pamby. and they shouldn't have these hangups until they are in their 20's or teens.

but 6 years old?!!? no.

the kids should be forced to wear the hideous red, green and yellow plaid slacks or the mustard colored cordouroys that we were thrown into in the 70's. the kid's 6 and doesn't realize what it sounds like when your thighs are rubbing together and scaring the squirrels away on your way to the bus stop at 8am.

not leather. not pleather. not anything that is skin tight.

one 5 year old began sneaking into the bathroom and eating Q-tips and toilet paper so she would fill up her stomach instead of eating food. WHAT?!?!

shaking my head.

ok. britney spears, eat something you lame role model.

i think spankings might make them gain their appetite back. worked for me when i was a kid.

2:51 PM|cabbage rolls and coffee!!! mmmmm...mmmm... good!!!

11:45 AM|god i really should be illustrating. have a gig to do the t's and posters for the mouth's mardi gras tour. okay. okay. okay. am going to sit down with thinking cap and start getting all into the cowboy mouth frame of mind.

(gonna start running outside and lifting my top up in search of beads just to get in the spirit)

11:39 AM|the girl code of honor
a.k.a. Don't make me pull your hair, Bitch

11:10 AM|well, hello there, folks...

what's going on? well, as i sit here i am hearing the racket of the plaster guys' in the basement below my apartment. ah yes. an excedrin moment.

ever forget that you put the teakettle on about 5 minutes ago (if that) and you are doing something else and it scares the hell outta you when it whistles? yeah. that's me. that just happened as i was typing this. sounded like an air raid whistle (or what i would think one would sound like) mmmmm Twinings Irish Breakfast tea....

what else? OH! i will be posting another photo a little later.... my new coffee table that mom got me for xmas is being delivered today!!!!!!! yay!!!! darn. i shoulda taken a photo of the big 4x4 foot square coffee table i HAD. grass skirt boy helped me take it out to the curb on sunday (thank you, grass skirt boy... my hero!! *sigh*)

hmmmm... my thoughts about becoming a teacher are sort of waning after following this story about the teachers down the shore... don't think i would want to head to jail.

oh, yesterday morning my landlord mentioned that he heard that the president gave unemployment for NY & NJ a 13 week extension...

In addition to cutting taxes for businesses and consumers, Bush said he would extend unemployment compensation by 13 weeks in the states hardest hit by terrorism.

woo! (not that i want to still be unemployed for 13 more weeks, but unemployment was supposed to run out on december 19th)

8:18 PM|ah... something no one should see, but dammit if i am not addicted to the web and my digital camera and kiehl's face masks... bored bored bored tonight.

7:30 PM|while reading My So-Called Penis' site

i happened upon his post about an email he received for a:
SIMPLE PILL CAN INCREASE YOUR EJACULATION By 581%!!!
NO Gimmick........REAL SCIENCE!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Increase Ejaculation by almost 600%!
Increase Sex drive
Stronger Erections
Longer Lasting orgasms!
More Intense Orgasms
Shoot up to 13 feet!

um... not for nothing, but 13 feet?! i swear to god, if that happened i would say to the consumer of such a pill:

"um... yeah, you ARE getting up right now and cleaning every fricking bit of that off my walls... and the television... jeezuz! you got it on the treadmill?!?! it's not even in the same room!!! how the hell did you get the smoke detector?! that's it.... that's it! you are not coming here again... erm... maybe i should re-word that.. you are not allowed back until you cap that thing off. i don't care if you ARE tired and want to roll over right now, get a sponge and start mopping"

or something to that effect.

12:49 PM|

If I was a James Bond villain, I would be Mr Wint or Mr Kidd.

I enjoy strong cologne, the company of men, and stabbing people with flaming shish-kebabs.

I am played by Bruce Glover or Putter Smith in Diamonds Are Forever.

Who would yoube? James Bond Villain Personality Test

(note: i have never seen an entire bond movie)

12:16 PM|GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You're in communication with many people today. Those with a claim on your love and loyalty may not completely understand your approach. Be mindful of how such people are liable to react to your behavior.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Difficulties in obtaining money suddenly aren't so bad. Continued work and attention are necessary, but outright obstacles fall away. Your ingenuity can find ways around the problems.

hmmmm... quite an interesting set of horoscopes i have today.... i am digging the cancer one.

11:47 AM|wow!!! good news on the homefront too... first my landlord said i can get the rent check to him around the 15th (yay) and then the plaster guys are coming to fix my bathroom wall....

story: may 1998 the wall came crumbling down. actually it wasn't so much a john cougar-mellancamp song as it was that the wall started to buckle and the tiles fell off. and i have asked for it to be fixed ever since. and i have had a laundry hamper and towels hiding it... woo!!!! pretty ain't it?!?!

11:34 AM|woo!!! good news on the cable modem front!!!

8:28 PM|hey happy holidays to all!!! here's my xmas card i made the other day...

i just bought the hugest pointsettia (sp? i never know whether to put an I in there after the T or not...anyway!!) it's now my Xmas tree! woo!

11:14 AM|and did anyone see the saturday night live opening sketch... where they liken the President's terrorist speech to Jeff Foxworthy?!?!?! HELLO!!! excuse me!! i WROTE THAT first!!!

11:11 AM|i have been trying to call the unemployment line for the past 25 minutes. *sigh*
see, sundays are when you have to call and punch in the info "yep, still looking for work... give me money"

10:59 AM|i am heading down to mom's today.... will probably be back tomorrow night. have that condo-warming party for my cousin...